2005…2006

What is it with 2005?

To me 2005 has somewhat been blissful. I know that I have mentioned it quite a few times already, but I’m delighted to say it again…I am now more at ease. I can feel the happiness that changes have brought me.

The year has dispatched me two entwined experiences ~ both of which have furnished me with countless of unforgettable great lessons. I should consider myself lucky to have such opportunity with the roller-coaster ride, and at which end of the ride I have landed safely with new profound prospect about life, human character and truth with its beauty. This wonderful discovery has allowed me to make the right choice and so I did.

From my parents’ rows of fights and disagreements, I have learnt that it is not another’s action but the attitude and character that irritate a person. It’s how a person’s approach to a mistake committed, and not the mistake itself, that flares up a situation. Yes, a mistake can trigger anger, but the right approach can improve and untangle the mess. Their opposing characters have proven that we need two people to compromise in order for a marriage to work…but their rage and contrasting outlook do not allow them to see it. Their mistake is my education, and I hope it won’t be many.

2005 has given me the opportunity to find myself…

I saw the fear in me ~ ignorance and arrogance.

I feel the strength in me ~ my beliefs, fear (as my weapon), anger (as my drive), curiosity (to kill judgmental mindset), weakness (to build up my strength), imperfection (to stay humble and to empathize), acceptance and Erôs.

I realize that I can’t blame anyone should they judge me because who I really am isn’t visible to them. All I need to do is to prove to them of my worthy, and shape myself as much as a dignified man would. The TRUTH that the great philosophers have illustrated in their work has guided me in this process. And I’m glad to have met them.

I built my wishes ~ to make things right, to learn to take control of my life, to be a better person, to spread and see smiles and cheers, to be free from guilt and sins, to forgive and forget, and to share my wishes.

My modest accomplishment ~ succeeded to weave around the obstacles and made myself.

Favourite moments in 2005 ~ new job, took a complete-family Hari Raya photo for the first time, attended Matthias’ birthday and my sis’ Christmas party, the doctor confirmed it’s not cancer, discovered what KISS FROM A ROSE (SEAL) is all about, watched Narnia!!! (great movie as expected after reading the series when I was in Sec 1).

New words I learnt ~ optimist, constructive, self-aware, selfless and virtue.

2005 favourite song ~ Rela Ku Pujuk (Spider).

My regrets ~ my list of friends is shrinking.

My reading ~ It has been so delightful to have met Anne Frank. She has been an amazing teacher. Her radiant ideas and views have been very inspiring.

2006 means another birthday…another year older, another strand of grey hair, another line of wrinkle, another experience, another tears, another laughter and another lesson to learn. It’s a new cycle that I hope to pull through.

Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. I am not a fortune-teller and I can’t guess what the future has in store for me. But I know today (and everyday) is a gift and I don’t intend to waste it.

Throughout this new year, I hope to write something more constructive, something more meaningful than just a thought or view. In 2006, I will not just continue in my search for truth and beauty, but also a quest for growth and self- improvement.

2006 is a new chapter of my life…

I saw truth, but I yet to find it

There are two sides of truth
…one is of beauty, qualities of only good, virtues and non-violence
…the other is of pain, desperation and struggle

There aren’t lies in truth because truth cannot be built on something that is unreal (lies). We only see truth as TRUTH itself. Truth is like a raw material; its existence is real and available.

Truth cannot be built on lies because lies do not exist by themselves. Lies need to be built on something solid ~ TRUTH. Lies only emerge when there are truths to be concealed. Therefore, there are truths in lies. When we see lies, we chose not to see the truths.

And so, there are times when happiness is built on lies. It may not last forever, but it means a lot at every minute for a desperate man.

In every corner I turned, every door I opened and every chest that revealed its contents, I saw some hidden truths and some transparent truths. Some truths are pleasant, some truths hurt and some are unacceptable. But they are undeniably the truths, truth in TRUTH itself.

Philosophers have described their work, their journey, their findings, and their definitions about beauty, truth, virtues, attributes of the strong, optimistic thinking, and so on. And between those lines, I saw something else. I saw something more than just about the real beauty that lies in the Form of Beauty. I saw something more than just truth in the beauty of oneself and in the beauty of life.

I saw some truths in inhumane character and there are some truths in violence. They are about the truth of life, the truth of desperation, the truth of greed and the truth of surviving. There are also undeniable lies hiding these truths. Those lies come from our eyes (we see what we want to see and we show only what we want to show). Those lies come from our ears (we hear only what we want to hear and thus believe what we want to believe). Our actions follow trying to control situations over the moment following, creating more granules of lies with the intentions to envelope the grains of truths.

As a seeker for truth, my discoveries nearly disheartened me when I realize that it is the truth that creates lies and it is the lies that blind the hearts, and it is the hearts that lust and influence… dissatisfaction… greed… chaos…

In this search for truth, I saw beauty but unexpectingly it also leads me to its unattractiveness. Nothing is ever perfect ~ not human, not nature, not beauty. I have come to discover not only do human err, and not only nature comes in different colours (vibrant or listless). But in beauty too, I can see some flaws that distract and influence (mislead).

Some people may not agree with me not because I am wrong or they are right, but because GOD has put us in different corners, looking at the same issue with different recognitions. We were each given a different door to open, to see people and to welcome people. We each have a chest with different memories and different biographies. They saw truth and beauty with their eyes and I saw them with mine. Our descriptions about truth and beauty may differ, and we may not see them from the same direction. And from that disagreement, cycle of life continues with cycle of lies, pain and bloodshed … truth hurts.

The truths are there. I perceive them, and I recognize the route that can lead me to them. But yet, the further I walk, I am more lost…because the more I see the more I can’t understand why. It can be quite depressing to see truth but not able to find it. It can be quite discouraging to see truth but not able to understand it. Gandhi had said To find truth completely is to realize oneself and one’s destiny, ie. to become perfect. I have turned inwards to see my-true-self and to travel the journey of my purpose, and what I see are only my imperfections. Thus, I find that it is an impossible task for me to find truth completely because no one is perfect and I am no exception. Does that mean I can never find truth or to be truthful to myself because I am never perfect and can never be one? Because todate I have seen truth that I yet to find. I have not just seen beauty in the FORM of Beauty, but also a beauty that betrays.

Today I am still lost…and I am still searching. I hope I’ll find them soon…because time is running away from me.

Left: My hubby carrying our son. Right: My young hubby in his father's arms.

Someday, I would like to write about my late father-in-law, who had gone through obstacles and shortfalls since he was born until his passing. He was one of those many whom I admired for his kind heart.

Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator. [Confucius]

Suddenly I again find myself awake every night. I could feel my sleepy eyes drooping, and my body exhausted. But somehow my mind won’t allow me to retire. I keep thinking about my life…about my death. My fear of death grows stronger every night when I shut my eyes and every morning when I wake up. Because I sense another day passing me by and so is my life. I don’t know what awaits me there. And that very fear keeps me holding on to the memories and how I wish to re-live it differently. Looking in the mirror, I see how much the reflection has changed. I do so much wish it doesn’t, not just yet.

If we don’t know life, how can we know death? [Confucius]
My biggest mistake ~ I know death, but I ignored it and I live as a sinner…

I have had many dreams, bad ones. Maybe GOD is trying to tell me something. Maybe HE wants me to wake up in my conscious before I fall asleep unconsciously.

I will not be a traitor to GOD to please the whole world [Gandhi]
Somehow I have betrayed HIM to please my own lust and benefit my self-pleasure.

Heaven means to be one with GOD [Confucius]
…and I am the ignorant who willingly chose to ignore

Death and life have their determined appointments [Confucius]
…I’m scared

Though from my weakness I fail a thousand times, I will not lose faith, but hope that I shall see the light when the flesh has been brought under perfect subjection, as some day it must. [Gandhi]

Hidupku adalah hakMU
Matiku adalah janjiMU
Hayalku adalah dosaku
Taubatku dalam doaku
[zanas]

My scribbles ***

The art of humane is in the morale

The virtues of men are beyond true recognition

In the act of kindness, one can be misjudged. In the act of evil, one can expect respects.

Life may be easy,
But living is a struggle

GOD has created us,
But what was HIS reason?

Answers may be all there, but to give them to the right questions can be chaos

Everyone is given the rights of equality , but why does the issue of equality still exist in the statute?

Why are the poor accused of immoral acts, and the rich of power greed?

Why is life accused to be unfair, when it is the human who misjudge and misunderstood?

Why are friends being our best property, when it is our family being our pillar?

Why is ‘art of living’ always related to the luxury materials?

What is our most invaluable property – our accomplishments or our contributions?

To my love ~ It’s the simplicities that brought us together, but your egotistical feeling can kill the love I hold for you.

What's wrong with me??

I don’t know why I am suddenly so obsessed with philosophies. I’m not sure what drove me to read as many materials revealing the truths about life and its sufferings, about living and its beauties. I am without doubt interested about feelings and actions, and about the reasons and the unveiled secrets.

All the materials I read thus far had given me so much more than just knowledge. Why am I so curious so suddenly? I have become so greedy ~ greed for more information than I already acquired. Some information I have digested incomprehensively…and that, I guess, was what really motivated me to read more, to seek more and to learn more in order for me to justify what I don’t understand.

I see nature…and I seek to know its offers. I discover the fulfillment in giving …and I wish to treasure that great feeling. I learnt about human nature and their wrong choices… I wanted to know why. When one showed me true beauty…I look for definitions that distinguish inner beauty and physicals. And when I was introduced to injustice…I become curious about the judgments and verdicts. And now I’m searching for will power, mindsets, rationales, lusts, virtues, and the attributes of the strong. Maybe I should take things one at a time, but I feel that time is too short for me. I don’t know why…but that’s how I feel.

There are now more questions than I used to have. I am still looking for what is fair in a war. What was Confucius trying to say through his quote “It is only the wisest and the stupidest that cannot change”? And what is it that a small man seeks in others?

After reading and analyzing philosophy after philosophy, I found that I am more scared than brave. I fear to hurt another with my words, that I become more quiet and reserved. I believe that the less I speak the less I’ll hurt others. ‘Arrogant’ is my biggest fear. What if the education will give me not just knowledge but the contradict feeling as well…destroy the good feeling in me and influence my heart pessimistively? I can’t sleep thinking about what my action today will impact my tomorrow. And I fear how much the damages I have done going to affect another’s life.

One valuable lesson I analyzed from all this ~ For one to acquire the wisdom he seeks, he must first cultivate the beauty in himself. He must prepare himself spiritually so that the (new) knowledge will not let him go astray and made him forget the first reason for his quest. Knowledge can be evil if he doesn’t know how to utilize it truthfully and correctly. Without will power, open mindset, rationale thoughts, sincere lust for knowledge, virtues, and the attributes of a strong being, knowledge can be a man’s dangerous enemy. But the educator himself can be a truer enemy if he passed on his knowledge without giving a proper guidance. Because I believe that an unguided learner can irritate others and invite enmities in his circulation of wisdom.

mY rEaDInG plEaSUrE

I have done and still doing some reading on Plato’s work. There are Aplogy, Charmides or Temperance and Cratylus that will instructively occupy my time. I know this reading will be fruitful. In his work, I can find some answers that I have been seeking.

There are so many materials that I wish to read. I need to acquire the answers that can help me profoundly understand about truth, beauty, feeling, conscience, and so on. I need to expand my collection of information about life and its secrets and its beauties. But I’m not sure if an ample time is there for me. Being an average educated self, I discovered all these materials only now when my days are drawing me nearer to the beginning of eternity. I’ve been kept in the dark all these years. I never knew that the answers I craved are in those pages. I was never informed that the knowledge I seek can be found in those books, in the society’s culture of living, in the human nature and his beliefs.

I now realize that I can gain more knowledge from great beings. I would really love to read about Gandhi and Mother Theresa. Ignoring the hardships they toiled, and in the state of being misunderstood they never gave up nor did they give in. They have been giving and never did they expect anything in return. Their feeling of fulfillment was doing what they loved doing and doing what they believed in. And so, I have decided that my next stop after Plato will be Gandhi.

Another material that can get me the answers I searched, is the encyclopedia of our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. He was another great man blessed with virtues. His humane heart and kind soul was very different from all the other prophets. He was ever so forgiving, praying for his accusers whom no man can ever bring himself to do. But being a person with limited means, I’m not sure when I can get this encyclopedia. I hope soon…because I can’t wait to find the answers in there.

“Are some people just born positive thinkers
. . . or is it their CHOICE?”

I realize the problems with pessimists, they always have the reasons to encourage their unhealthy deeds ~

** GENETIC (Inherited traits): My Grandparents did it to me.

** PSYCHIC (Upbringing): My Parents did it to me.

** ENVIRONMENTAL(Surroundings): My Spouse, my Boss, the Company, the Economy, etc.. is doing this to me.

Turning inwards to look for flaws to appraise and correct, I found that I should give a serious thought to change my ~

thinking - Changes come from observing logically in every situation
attitude - Changes happen personally from the INSIDE OUT
behaviour - Changes take true assessment, determination & discipline

I believe that not everyone is born a positive thinker, but they can become a positive learner and a positive teacher. Choices are there, all we need to do is to decide. But is our decision right...only circumstances can tell. Just like what I always believe ~ the answers are all there, but to give them to the right questions can be chaos.

I choose to have a positive day, and so I must first cultivate a positive attitude. I learn that it is my choice …and so I choose to be happy. Whatever circumstances to my decisions and whatever questions I'm answerable to...I am happy and I know that I am able to commit constructively.